A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk. The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn't notice a train coming down the tracks. As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated. The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!
Dad: Son, what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread? Son: I don't know. Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.
What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?A cock that stays up all night!
A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife. "See if they fit." "They don't.""Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on. "I can't get into these.""And you won't, either, with that attitude."